Part 31: NWS - Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home

BECAUSE THE BIG BAD GOVERNMENT MAN DECIDED TO STRIP BUCK ASS NAKED IN THE LAST UPDATE, HALF THE SCREENSHOTS IN THIS HAVE GRATUITOUS OLD MAN DONG. CONSIDER YOURSELF ADEQUATELY WARNED.

Alright guys, this is it. This is the last story update for this LP. Are you excited? I'm excited.

So let's not waste any time.



Well, maybe waste a little time. The game is taking this moment to not-so-subtly suggest you should take one last look at your weapon and armor patches and ensure everything is copacetic.



Fiery Surge is the patch I put on the helmet. Otherwise, look at those bonuses.



Healing Surge and Fan the Flames are the patches on the robe.



Healer's Balm is the patch on the hand armor. Yes, we're back to the "become unable to take damage through fire attacks" build. Like I said, this fight is mostly a formality anyway and I like this play-style.



Finally I went the boring route and gave our new staff a +35% damage sticker.



And just for the sake of mentioning it, Princess Kenny is naturally disallowed from joining us in fighting Princess Kenny.





What final dungeon would be complete without a shop set up somewhere in it?

: Welcome weary adventurers! You know how before the big final boss fight of any game there is a conveniently placed shop where you can stock up on health potions and arrows and stuff? Well, this is that shop.
: Can I interest you in some of my wares?







The patches and stickers are likewise as strong as they should be. This merchant also sells a wig that looks like Clyde's hair, and a whole bunch of restoratives. In the incredibly likely event you burned some items against the Sparrow Prince and Nazi Zombie Chef, take this opportunity and stock up!

Video:

This incredibly long (20 minutes!) video has not only the final boss fight, but also the ending and the credits.

There's also an achievement that I fucked up doing here. If you fight Princess Kenny in your girl makeover getup, you get an achievement. I initially misunderstood and thought that you only had to be wearing the wig. I went back and did it properly later, and it's not as difficult as you might imagine that would be.

Video:

If you're interested in seeing the fight in "challenge mode" as I call it, then you should click the achievement box. This video skips the cutscenes and just has the fight. Spoilers, it's actually easier in this video because I'm not intentionally delaying the fight to show stuff off.

There are also three other final boss related achievements you can get. One is for fighting Princess Kenny while looking like David Hasselhoff, and the other is for fighting Princess Kenny while afflicted by Dire Aids. If you want to, you can do all three at the same time.

The last achievement is for merely beating the game.









: Give us the Stick, Princess Kenny. You don't want to go down like this, brah.



: Mrmm mmrm! Mrmmmphm mrmmmm mrphrmm mmmm!





Princess Kenny's Theme starts playing here, and continues playing throughout the first part of the fight.





This is so anime it hurts.

















This is white space so the next image doesn't contrast as much.







Because the G-Man decided now would be a perfect time to grab his man boobs.

: Yes! Go Princess Kenny!



: (idle) Good work, Princess Kenny! Finish them off!
: (idle) Princess Kenny truly is the fairest maiden in all the land!
: (idle) You fools! Princess Kenny controls the universe!
: (idle) The Princess's magic, it's so pretty!
: (idle) Finish these weaklings, Princess Kenny!
: (idle) Show them, Princess Kenny!

So as I alluded to earlier, this is a multi-part fight. The first part of it is an unremarkable fight against Princess Kenny.



Oh and bleeds work again. You know, just in case this fight wasn't easy enough.



Because Kenny is an anime princess, she can shoot rainbows out of her hands.



She can also turn her rats against us.



They surprisingly don't inflict bleeding.



I'm not sure why this screenshot is here, but no reason not to show it. We're about to beat the shit out of Kenny with our stick.



That was pretty easy.



: It's all over, Princess Kenny. Douchebag is too powerful for you.





: What's she doing?
: No, Kenny, don't drink that!







Kenny is stuffing the stick into her dress.









: (Speaking German)



: Aaagh! Nazi zombie Princess Kenny!
: Fuck!



: (AAARRGH!)



: This is it King Douchebag! The final battle! Your buddies stand with you! I will just stand over here.
: (idle) Kick her ass Douchebag! Do it!
: (idle) Make me proud, King Douchebag.
: (idle) Don't fuck this up, King Douchebag.
: (idle) Man this is a pretty sick boss fight.
: (idle) If you kill Princess Kenny I'll let you hold the Stick of Truth for a couple minutes.
: (idle) Hey, Princess Kenny, is it too late for me to join your side?

: You've got this.
: Come on, King Douchebag!
: I believe in you, King Douchebag.
: You're gonna pay, Princess Kenny!
: You're the Dragonborn! You don't take shit from anybody.
: You HAVE to win! The future of the whole town is at stake.

Welcome to the second part of the fight. That HP reading is wrong by the way. Princess Kenny doesn't have 36,738 health. No, she has 110,214 health.

: Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny!



As befitting the final boss of the game, Kenny's received a bit of an upgrade. The rainbow attack is hitting this hard through Douchebag's block.



You can also inflict bleed to Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny for some reason.

: Hit them with the zombie vomit!







This attack really hurts. It hits three times in very quick succession, for up to 6,000 damage.

Anyway, this is mostly a gimmick fight. I'm not sure if it's every three turns or if it's at certain HP intervals, but eventually the G-Man will tell Princess Kenny to use a special attack.



: Yes, drink your goo, Princess Kenny! You'll be invincible!







: Oh no you don't!







: (cries)



: A lucky shot but no matter. Princess Kenny still has lots of tricks up her puffy sleeves.



: Ow, I hurt my leg. You better go on without me.

: Go for the j-jug-- j-jugular!
: Wow, what a fantastic boss fight.
: That Princess is a stone cold bitch.
: Don't be blinded by her b-b-beau-- tits!
: The girl we knew as Princess Kenny is dead.
: This gives me an idea for an epic poem. It's about a bard and his trusty Dragonborn sidekick.

The other gimmick of this fight is that after you block Princess Kenny's QTE attack, the next companion in line steps up to the plate.



Jimmy's part of the fight goes really smoothly due to all the buffs he can lay down. Also Kenny slowly bleeds to death.



: Give these vermin a taste of their own medicine, Princess Kenny!









: No! Where are you going with Princess Kenny's rats?! Damn you!



: Whew. I better c-catch my breath.

: Hooray, King Douchebag!
: Pull her fucking pigtails! (the subtitle adds "Friends after this, Princess Kenny.")
: Hit that old mean princess!
: The Princess must be brought to justice!
: I'm ashamed I ever had a secret crush on you, Princess Kenny!



Kenny's health goes down to 0 and...



: Oh my god! You killed Kenny!
: YOU B- oh no wait he's back.

Try and claim otherwise all you like, you all have been waiting for this line for the entire LP.





Princess Kenny has three life bars, thus why I said she has 110,000 health earlier. If you've been destroying her armor (like I have been) then she doesn't get any back when she stands back up.



Butters' shield is a pretty lucky result to get from his Professor Chaos move. Douchebag is done taking damage for this fight.



: Death comes for you, Dragonborn! You'd better pray for a miracle.





: Oh hamburgers!
: So much for that.



: MUHAHAHAHA! Foolish Princess Kenny! Do you not know that Death is the servant of Chaos?





: How can this be?!



: All that chaos energy's making me a little woozy.

: Fresh meat for my trusty wolf companion!

: Dig deep, King Douchebag!
: Hang in there, King Douchebag!
: Come on, New Kid, finish her off!
: Keep fighting! She's wearing down!
: Princess Kenny can't win! You've gotta stop her!





: I think all the dying is making her tired! Keep killing her!



: Princess Kenny! Call upon your beautiful Nazi unicorn!







I love the parallels to the regular unicorn attack. Like instead of a cute regular heart in the corner, there's a real heart.









: Shit, stupid fucking unicorn!







: My sword hand's got a cramp, I need a minute.

It looks like we're out of companions.



: Shit, I guess I'm the only hope! Alright, it's you and me now, Douchebag. For the fate of humanity!



Just Douchebag and Cartman left. Together they have to tear through another 29,000 HP. Can they do it?



As it turns out, not together. Cartman never gets a chance to land a hit.



It turns out, Princess Kenny really fucking hates Cartman. On the upside, she killed herself taking out Cartman one last time.



Or not. Well shit. Guys, I think we're screwed.



: She doesn't stay dead! We can't beat her!
: Dude, we're fucked! There's no way!



: There is one way. We're gonna have to break the Gentlemen's Code.
: What?! Cartman, you can't possibly mean...



: What other choice do we have, KYLE?! King Douchebag, you remember long ago, I made you swear an oath to never fart on anyone's balls. I am now asking you... to break that oath.
: He's right, it's our only chance.



: Fart on Princess Kenny's balls, King Douchebag. DO IT!



You guys have been wondering when the payoff for the joke deadly serious matter of the Gentleman's Oath was coming. This is it.



: Now, King Douchebag! Fart on Princess Kenny's balls!
: What about the Gentlemen's Oath?



First gotta ensure we have enough mana to actually do this.



As far as the game goes, any fart will work. But, c'mon. There is only one possible fart to use in this situation.





: (MUFFLED WAIL)

















: We- we're cured!



: (speaking German)













Looks like this zombie plague had reached critical mass.





: We're all better now, daddy.



: That's right, son. The Dragonborn must have farted on a princess's balls.



It appears that Douchebag farted Clyde's house clean out of existence. Look at the size of that crater.







At least the rebuilding efforts are coming along nicely.



: You guys sure about this?



: There's no other way.
: It drove our friend to madness and nearly killed us all.















: So what do you guys wanna play now?
: How about Dinosaur Hunters?
: Or Pharaohs and Mummies!



: Let's ask Douchebag! What do you wanna play next, dude?



: Screw you guys, I'm going home.





For some reason, Douchebag runs off with his eyes closed.



: Wow. What a dick.







With that stinger, the main story of this LP draws to a close. There's one more update left, and that will be on Thursday. That one will probably be pretty long, as it's going to have all the extra dialogue I missed or couldn't find a place to put. It'll also have screenshots of all the various outfits and weapons in the game, as well as the last Facebook friend.

See you guys then.